I have not met a generation of parents more stressed than the current one. I noticed a generalized and false belief that they need to aim for perfection. This is not only unrealistic but also unhealthy. 

There is a difference between having expectations, working hard to succeed, being self-motivated to do our best, and getting obsessed with avoiding failure. We may be pursuing a perfect life for personal, social, or mental reasons.

The personal reasons for having unrealistic expectations can be the result of:

• The way your parents raised you – they addressed mistakes as a failure or problem instead of a learning experience.
• The current interactions you have with your loved ones – others pressured you to be perfect.
• A specific life experience or event – a challenging time that created a need for excessive order or control.

Social causes can be generated by peers, the environment, or the most influential one, social media. As we grow, we constantly compare ourselves with peers: friends, siblings, or classmates. If this normal behavior is not appropriately managed, we may end up craving constant validation from others. New situations or changes in our environment – a new home, town, or job – usually create a need to belong or fit in. Once again, if this need is not appropriately managed, it can make us obsessed with looking perfect. 

Social media makes us and our children feel like we are doing something wrong or  not good enough. People post the lives they have always wanted, not the ones they have. Most of the time, the posts are edited photos and videos of themselves or their activities. And parents begin asking themselves, "Why isn’t my family perfect?" This can lead us to adopt a mindset known as perfectionism disorder, and it is exactly what social media promotes in us!

Lastly, certain mental health issues – such as obsessive-compulsive disorder or anxiety – may exacerbate this need to be perfect. If this is the case, please get professional help.

We may be looking for perfection not only in our parenting role, but also in every aspect of our lives, in ourselves, or in our kids. Parents can often measure their value by their children’s successes; the wrong way to recognize our children’s and our own value. Sometimes parents even feel that they are “messing their kids up for life.”

Do I expect perfection?

To find out if we are falling into the “perfect family” trap, ask yourself the following questions:

Regarding yourself:

• Do I criticize myself often?
• Do I blame myself if my child fails?
• Do I compare myself to other parents and feel less capable?
• Do I constantly second-guess my parenting choices?
• Do I feel like I am not doing enough for my children?
• Am I frustrated because I cannot reach my expectations?

Regarding your child(ren):

• Do I micromanage my child?
• Do I get upset if my child does not do things “my way”?
• Do I pressure my child to perform “flawlessly”?
• Do I always criticize and never praise?
• Do I force my child to fulfill MY dreams?
• Does my self-worth depend on my child’s achievements?

It is expected to answer yes to a few of these questions. However, if we answer yes to most of them, we need to pause/stop and start making some changes.

What to do?

If you feel “trapped” in the perfect family fallacy, there are some steps that can be taken to ease and even reverse this harmful mindset.

Learn from mistakes and failures. During my years as an educator, I witnessed how mistakes could be the best teaching. Personally, I remember those answers I got wrong on a test better than the ones I got right. Start accepting mistakes as opportunities to learn. Share your own mistakes/learnings with your family. It is an effective way to send healthy messages about failure. Let your children make mistakes and fail sometimes. Talk about failure as a learning opportunity and acknowledge that failing a test or not being selected for the school play is hard, but it is not the end of the world.

Limit social media. Comparing ourselves to others is a recipe for negativity. Remember, we are only seeing a highlighted version of another person’s life, not the whole story. Do not compare your child to other children, either. All kids are different.

Stay “busy.” To avoid over-focusing on our child’s daily activities, which could cause emotional burnout, we should take time to practice a hobby or activity that not only keeps us “busy” but also helps us feel fulfilled. It does not need to be complicated, but it must be something we like. Personally, I love sewing, reading, gardening, and Pilates. Perfectionists love to be productive. Even if you are not a perfectionist, if someone asks how your day was, you probably answer with a list of achievements. Do you know what is productive in parenting? It's as simple as developing routines and rhythms that work for our family.

Adjust your mindset. We must fully believe that perfection is not real nor healthy. Let us start by recognizing our own and others’ emotions. Name, mention, and share how you feel or what you perceive others are feeling. Normalize this type of conversation. After all, there are no “good” or “bad” emotions; they are all acceptable. It is OK to be mad, sad, or happy. What matters is how we manage those emotions. Being open about feelings and emotions helps us stay authentic and recognize our humanity and vulnerabilities. It helps us stop pretending.

New parenting approach – these are some misconceptions about parenting that we should avoid:

1. Parents are not their children’s “social coordinators,” nor do children need to be “doing something” all the time. Multiple studies highlight the importance of boredom. Save time and energy and embrace boredom in your family’s daily life.
2. Parents do not need to rescue their children all the time. If the child makes a mistake or fails, allow them to experience the consequence. Support and guide the child, but allow them to find a solution or to learn from the experience.
3. Using an electronic device as a “nanny” to control tantrums or behaviors - and look good when you are in a public space -is only effective in the short term. T The harm caused by excessive digital time, among younger children, has been recently documented.  

Supporting our family’s wellbeing, both mentally and physically, is a challenging and rewarding journey that requires all our energy and devotion. Do not waste time aiming for perfection. Proudly embrace the uniqueness of yours with all the good – and not so good – traits.